Casahobo VS the virus 

NOTE: words with little "*" by them  will be explained at the bottom
 

 "Zut*! Merde* et fumiers! Son o' bitch!" mumbled Casahobo through clenched  
 teeth. "I just updated my McFee virus protection 8 minutes ago! And I gotto 
do it again?!" 
Under the florecent lights, his bald skull shone with sweat. Irritated,
he scratched his shabby beard and chewed some more on his notorious dead 
foul smelling cheap cigars. The virus he was combating had just mutated 
right infront of his eyes yet again, outmanuvoring him in the lasst second.
His laptop was in deep doo-doo, for now McFee was confused. Where did the 
virus go? Or was it a worm? Maybe it was that new "Come and play with my
many diff sex toys" variety? 
 I mean, come on, Casahobo always enjoyed a good chalange butt(ass he was 
VERY found of saying) this was getting a bit ridicilous. butt(here we go 
again!) that's the life of a computer genius, syber-warrior, anti-hacker, 
computer tester, these days. His boss had awaken him at 00 2 hours in da 
morning, helplessly sobbing about some lost files. Casahobo had managed to 
calm the hysterical man, using his best "No problem boss" speech, "take it 
eassy boss, think about your high blood pressure boss", while secretly 
repeating "die you muther-@!&-!?, DONT WANNA GIMME A PROMOTION YOU OLDE 
BassTARD, butt(oops!..;-O) now crying in my ear like a little girl @ss-whole!". 
butt(is this gonna get irritating or whut?) that had been over 18 hours ago 
and Casahobo was nowhere near in solving this latest computer virus or werm 
or whatever the sheol* it had mutated into. And he wuz gettin' tired. He 
could feel it. After all, he wasn't the young stalion he once wuz(not that 
he was ever THAT much of a stalion, butt (dang 
it, sorry, I coudn't help meself!) Viagra had certanly helped. A lot! Thank 
the goddess for Viagra! He just had wished he had had it 20 years ago, when 
he had really needed it for that hot bitch down in Saudy  Arabia, the one 
with the hot tight brown @ss....butt(sorry, no 
excuses this time, I MEANT to use it) damn it, Casa, get your mind back  
here 'cuz  this f--ing virus was winnin'..! 

  Let me take a little detour here and explain the origins of Casahobo's 
unusual name. See, if you know spanish, you would know Casa means "a 
house". Hobo is a wanderer, so Casahobo very cleaverly meant "a wondering 
man without a house".  Since Casahobo's heavy computer skills were very 
sought after, he made a very good living traveling all over the world and 
fixin' computer problems for people. butt then the question wuz why whould 
somebody who made such a great deal of money still need to work? was it 
simply the chalenge or was there a darker secret? Well, I won't tell you 
right nowe, butt (snicker) you gotto keep on readin' and if you do, you will 
find Casahobo was an unusual man in more ways than one. 
butt I digress again...  
  The other PC* next to him suddently beeped into life. Casa glanced at it,
noticing his cyber girlfriend Easy-Lay had come online. At leasst
he HOPED it was a she. I mean who really knows, right? Anybody can call 
themselves lady after all. or was she an eassy lay? She claimed she was a woman butt
she could have eassily been a man, maskaraiding as a woman while oline, and 
there was really no sure way of knowing.  Lots of pervy men did that online, in 
chat and on IRC. And lots of horny stupid men fell for it too. After all it 
was all fantasy, right? The final result was plenty of spilled seeds 
(Onan's sin, over and over and over again) and less sexual fristration so it 
all was actually a good thang. butt dang it, 
he couldn't stop and swap sweet nuthings with her right now for the virus 
was squezzing his balls. Tight. And he couldn't assk her for help for she 
was kinda computer illitarate. Just resently she had fallen for the oldest 
trick in the book, a nul/nul statment in a URL link that crasshed her PC 
immediatly.(for very complete explanation of the nul/nul statment, read the 
"Why windoze is a stupid OS FAQ". I mean come on 
now, when you drag your mouse over a link it shows you what the link actually 
is, right?  So after that incident Casahobo had his doubts about Easy-Lay's 
intelligence and brain capabilities. Maybe she really was a woman after 
all, nobody else can be THAT dumb...

  Now, my dear readers, I can see your faces, for you are assking yourself 
here: How can these uh, characters have such unusual names? Well, this is 
all happenin' on an alternative Earth, in another dimention, where people 
had any name they wanted. OK??

Meanwhile, Casahobo's laptop had gone totally nuts. 
It was hung(unlike Casa who only sported meager 10 centimeters when fully 
erect) and beeping non-stop. Worse of all, Casahobo didn't know it yet, 
butt the virus had found ALL of his fav anal sex JPEGs and MPGs and erased 
them. Boy, was Casa gonna be upset when he finds out!"I need help!" was 
thinking Casahiobo fasst, "I gotto call on my trusted sidekick k69, the 
wonder dogg!" So Casa relaxed and mentally send an telepatic call to his 
trusted friend k69. "k69, make mental contact with me! This is an emergency, 
k69!!" 
k69 had undergoned a gene-mutating operation and turned himself into a dogg. 
He liked being a dogg better than a human being for he could freely sniff 
women's  crotches and get away with it for he was only a k69 after all!  
k69 called his PC a confuser, for he often was trully confused by its 
workings. He was nearly 100 years after all, butt 
that was only in dogg years. His vocabilary had suffered a bit because of 
the op for now he most often said things like Bark! and Arf! 

-----------------------------------------
NOTE: my editor had just read what i have written so far and she told me to
STOP introducing riducilous sounding characters, and to better get on with
the actual story FassT!, so complying  with her wishes, I will be using
ONLY the characters I have so far and gettin' on with the story(such ass it is)
I pointed out to her these are more or less like real people I have met 
online, butt here she JUST refused to listen to me 
and even kicked me in the butt for that woman's 
joke!..Aouch!..
                        ----------------------------------------------------

"Bark!"  arfed k69. "What's the problem Casa?"
"You gotto drop EVERYTHING you are doing k69 and help me, for I got me a 
nassty mutating virus on my laptop even if I have established a permanent
link with McFee and I am updatin' my anti-virus soft even ass we speak!!"
"Lol*!" laffed k69 and activated the lauf generated WAV file, "be right there 
Casa!" 
 "What can I do, Casa?" assked Easy-Lay. I hate to just sit around and watch..."
"Don't you worry  your pretty head none' replied Casahobo, "you just sit 
there, look pretty and give me encouregment. That will be more than 
enough, sweetheart!"
"Hey Easy-Lay, you like chicks too, right?" pipied k69 in suddently. "I have 
always meant to ask you if you don't mind or get offended, butt are you 
more of a butch* or a femme*? Whut you like more, dicks or chicks?" 
"Ah, well", laffed Easy-Lay rather shyly if I may add, I am kinda butt not a 
total bitch if you know what I mean? Here is a very nice 

link  
that can teach you how to score major points with me, he-he..."
"Let me check it out then!" laffed k69 in return and activated the Bark! 
WAV this time. (he had a collection of WAV files to express emotions)
If their conversaton sounds kinda simpleton and silly, well, thats how 
they actually went. They didn't really meet there to discuss the
latest findings in quantum physics or the classsics. They only met there to
 chat. If you don't believe me, visit any chat room and read the 
dialogue.  Most of them are even more inane than this.  
"k69, please this is serious, try to keep your mind focused!" Casahobo cut 
in. This is no time to wonder off looking at dirty pictures! I am in deep 
sh-t here. The only thing left to do is for me to make a direct link with my 
laptop and project my mind inside its RAM syberspace where the virus 
currently is. There, I can fight this f---er virus face to face. I think I 
know which hyperdecimal address it is occupying. I need you to watch my 
back and pull me out if i get in trouble. Whatever you do, DO NOT turn the 
power off or my personality will be trapped inside RAM and I will die. 
Think you can handle that?!" 
"Yes, Casa, I definetly can!" k69 was serious this time. You can rely
on me, after all I'm your most trusted sidekick, the wonder dogg!!
 "Yeah, I will kick you butt, someday I will!" muttered the pissed Casahobo, 
not loud enough for k69 to hear him of-course. He controlled and exploited k69
 and was trying to get rich off him, for Casahobo thought of himself ass a 
very big bussnesman and wanted to keep on makin' money for his expenses were
 enormous, butt we are getting ahead of ourselves again.
 
 So Casahobo prepaired for battle. He took stock of his gear, while k69 kept 
an eye on the virus. 3-D VR* helmet? Check. Touch gloves? Check! Spare PC* 
and laptop? Check! A diper in casse he sh-t himself  while mentally inside 
RAM? Check! There were more people coming online now, Alioch, the 
constantly pun  and smilie using guy who thought of himself ass oh-so 
clever, butt  whose activities amounted to searching for dirty links on 
nihonjin* servers and posting them for friends, the moronic zaT, who barely 
knew how to turn his PC on(one wondered how he had survived so long), butt 
Casahobo had no time to talk with them!  He had a mission! He had a battle 
on his capable hands! He was a winner, not a luser!!

  And now it was time to prove it. Casahobo donned the helmet, checked the  
links, gave his final instructions to k69 and a final virtual kiss to Easy-Lay
and attached the double coaxial T3 cable iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiin........ 
....to....eeeeeeeeeeeeeee..his jackkkkkkkkkkkk.
bbbbbbbbbbbbbzzzrs!
 Syberspace is weird. Its "reality" is weird. There is really no use talking'
about what it looks like visually if you have never been inside it. And I do 
NOT really recommand that you go inside, for you gotto be a 
sessoned  pro like Casahobo is.  Otherwize you will be asskin' for big
trouble. And trouble was Casahobo's middle name.
Casahobo aligned his alpha waves with the 
fractals patterns 
 on his screen and just stepped right in! Like an origamy trick, space un-folded 
 around, pulsating with immposiblle colors and Casahobo recalled 
his days of  smokin' hassh with the Jaque indians of Senora. Ah, those 
crazy and carefree 60s! Down, down the rabbit hole his disembodied  
consiousness went, traveling along the wires, moving at the speed of light
(299,792,458 meters per second or 186,000 miles per second(this is an
educational story, ass the oppening quote sez)). tiMe being the flexible
thing that it is, had become relative, so his journey took him 
several minutes(subjectively). He reached the junction where the screen 
cable connected to the motherboard and paused there for a second the catch 
his breath and think what his plan of action would be next.

 As Casa had rightly deduced, the virus he had let into his system was a
particually nassty viraety, the new plymorphic one, the mutating kind that
was a worm/trojan.(shameless plug-for more info on viruses, read my 
How to protect yourself against viruses FAQ Trully you gotto be a moron to 
catch a virus, butt hey, go right ahead, keep on swaping software with 
friends, thats a sure way to get one!))How he was even gonna fight it was 
beyond Casa right now, butt he wasn't about to quit! After all, he had a 
reputation to protect too you know, not to mention his job.

  k69 nervously licked his balls keeping one red blood shot eye on the 
screen, where Casahobo's vital signs were blinking. So far so good. His
master was alive and well, butt his laptop was in bad shape. The virus had
taken over RAM, and was moving right into the FLASH ROM. On the screen, it 
looked like an angry red amoeba with many arms, slowly eating the insides 
of Casa's laptop. k69 grunted. In his opinion Casa would have been better
off just accepting the loss of the PC and moving on, butt k69 knew how 
stuborn and bone-headed his master was. 
He ignored EasyLay's empty chaterring in the background and leaned over to 
speak into the mike. "Casa, can you hear me, over?"  "Yes," came the tinny 
sounding reply, "I can hear you well enough. What is the latest? Gimme a 
report on its hexadecimal location k69!"    
k69 sighed. "It's bad, Casa, real bad! It has taken over the ROM and possibly 
even the CMOS!" then turned down the volume as Casahobo's let out a loud 
string of obsenities.
Casahobo cursed the virus in 7 different languages, as k69 watched both 
his blood rate and heart rate go up and waited him out.
"SO, you wanna continue then?" he asked him, fully well knowing the answer 
in advance. "HELL, YES, I'm gonna continue!!!" yelled Casahobo. "Don't 
ask me stupid questions!!"
 "So, how you wanna play it then? Gonna meet him face-to-face or how?" 

  The virus stood over 3 meters tall, and wore a full set of japanese 
samurai warrior armor, with a horrible massk of a Mufido daemon on his 
head. The mask had red eyes, a huge grining mouth with long tongue hanging 
out Kiss style. It had a booming lauff, and was waving an almost 1.5 meters 
japanese samurai sword. When it saw Casahobo, it stopped and stared at him, 
as it didn't actually believe Casa was brave enough to face him. 
"Meet Dotanuke*"! it tundered. "Shall I stick it up your ass, since you 
seem to like anal sex judging from the amount of JPEGs and MPEGs I found??"  
"No thank you," replied Casahobo "and now you have kinda killed the mood too!"
"HA-HA-HA!" the virus let out a lauff loud enough to make Casahobo wince. 
""Killed the mood!" A good one! I like it!" 
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
this is gettin' kinda excitin' don't you agree??
  Will k69 be able to protect Casa's personality?  Will Easy-Lay ever do 
anything worth writing about? Will we meet more of Casahobo's fascinating 
friends? Keep on reading then and you will find out!!!!!!! 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------


The virus lurged at him, roaring like a raging bull. Just before it reached 
him, Casahobo blacked out.


   He was back in his own body. k69 had saved his @ss in the last possible 
moment by pulling his consiousness out, butt Casahobo had lost his laptop. 
Oh well, at least he was alive. A nasty smell driffted into his nosdrils. 
He looked down and mentally thanked the Goddess for he really had done the 
smart thing by putting the adult diper on. 
 There was nothing else left to do, so the fuming Casahobo went into the 
bathroom, washed and dried his sh-t coated butt, unplugged the now useless 
laptop, threw it in the trash, put his shoes on and went out to get some 
nookie.
                                           The End


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follow the continuing new adventures of Casahobo ass he goes on vacation next 
hoping to get some butt.
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dictionary:
alpha waves - the human brains works in 3 separate states, and each state 
is asssociated with a wave of particular frequency -there is the alpha state
equal to meditating, beta state where the human is awake and delta  when ppl are  
ass-leep. if you wanna know more well, too bad, look it up yourself 
butch - massculine looking lesbian (dyke, rug eater, carpetmuncher, ets)
Dotanuke - piercing thick bodies (japanese)
femme - feminine looking lesbian 
lol - lauff out loud -computer shortspeak
merde - sh-t(french)
nihonjin - japanese(person)(japanese)
origami - japanese art of folding paper into diff shapes-animals, people, ets
PC - personal computer
sheol - hell(hebrew)
smileys -those trully annoying ;-) or ;-( that are suposed to represent
emotions in syberspace. they were cute for about 4 minutes
VR - virtual reality(the next big thing where ppl were gonna play
computer games in a 3-D simulated world; nothing much came out of it)
Zut - goddamned or damn!(french)